Depression

Sometimes I watch people, wondering how they're happy. It's not that they don't have anything to be happy about - they do. I just wonder how they do it. Then, I look at myself, wondering why I can't do it. It gets frustrating when people say things like 'I think you like feeling sorry for yourself' and 'I wish I could just have a pleasant conversation with you instead of all this negativity'. The worst part was that, at first, I thought it was my fault.

I looked at myself, and beat myself up for not being able to be happy. But looking back, I shouldn't have had to do that. I'm not saying that those people are in the wrong - they just don't understand. It's hard not to be angry and resentful to the people who give me crap about my problems.

I understand that they don't understand because no one really 'gets' depression or anxiety unless they've been through it. But it's still hard to hear the insults day after day about something that I can't help.

That's when I started isolating.

Because of my heart problem (my medical condition) it's always been easy for me to isolate. All I had to do was say it was because I didn't feel good, which was 100% the truth. But as I isolated, I realized over time that people began to forget about me. What really pissed me off was when people all scrambled to help the lady who's kids hardly had anything wrong with them, but didn't even bother to look at me - let alone call - when I had a life threatening surgery that I wasn't going to survive (during which I told the doctors I would be fine, and ended up being right) I mean, is this how people really act? I don't know.

Depression isn't something that can be helped. It's just like if someone were to come up to me while I had Pneumonia or something and said 'well, staying in bed won't help'. And getting up will help?

After a five month institution stay, suicide watch, a horrible therapist who told me I was wallowing in my sorrow and needed to get over myself, and years of sadness and agony, I am finally starting to recover. Finally.

It's getting better. One step at a time.